Oh Josie, You've Done it Again.

So lately I've been reading alot of articles and internet posts about Hurricane Katrina. It's amazing to me the ignorance that people openly display. Someone should tell them how stupid they sound.

There are people sitting on their roofs waiting to be rescued. Children dieing of starvation, bodies floating down the street, hundreds and hundreds of missing people, and somehow, people like Repent America, can run around preaching victory against homosexuality and abortion? Some liberal dumbass can run around saying the blue states should let the red one suffer?

A tragedy that should have pulled America together has only further divided us on basis of religion, race, sexual orentation and politics.

Everyones running around trying to find someone to blame, and nobody is worring about what really matters, being the people affected, the people who need help getting out of the water that's burning their skin, staying alive long enough to make sure their kids get rescued. The elderly people trapped in a nursing home becasue there wern't enough busses to transfer them.

IT WAS A FUCKING HURRICANE!!! Not god's approval for hate and segragation.

Now everyone wants to run around and play the race card. Lets turn our attention towards the "Two photo Controversey" shall we?

I can't believe this is even an issue. given the circumstances, even the fucking president would have been looting. Jesus himself would be in isle 3 handing out loaves of bread to people who needed it. Now comsidering that New Orleans is 67.3 percent black, who the hell would you expect to see in pictures looting? Eskimos?

As for the fact that the black man was looting, but the white couple "found" food, I can't say that it was meant in a racist way, and I can't say that wasn't, but even if it was, it was the views of ONE fucking man, not a reflection of the views of America, and if you think it was, your a dumbass.

But I guess if you can call this gods victory against homosexuality and abortion, the KKK can call this gods victory against black people.

I love how every single person has found away to manuipulate this tragedy into justification for their ignorance and hate. It's sad really.

KATRINA

Okay, now that I'm done ranting about Hurricane Katrina, I think I will update you on my love life. If you missed the Hurrican Katrina ranting, you shoud really read it and leave a comment.

BOYS

So yea, I'm dating John again. So we dated for a month, broke up, and now, 3 months later, we're dating again. I dunno how long its gonna last though. I'm having a hard time trusting him, and I'm just waiting for him to change his mind. I think this time though, if he changes his mind, I would be more pissed than hurt.

I really do like him though, and I want to be with him for a while. I hope he feels the same way about me.

FAMILY

Things at home aren't going so great right now. I just found out that my mothers husband is coming back into town on saturday. Supposedly he will only be here for 10 days and then he is going back to Ohio. I hope that is the case.

He came here on my birthday becasue he knows that I hate him, and that I don't want him around. this is part of his stupid games. I'm scared.

Anyways, I need to find a place to stay where he doesn't know that I am at. That means I have to find a place to stay where my mother does not know of, because she wants me to stay with my grandpa, so I think out of spite, she would tell him where I am at.

I'm just so scared I don't know what to do. If I stay with Jake or John or Jasmine, my mom will look for me there. She will call the cops and tell them that I ran away, and their parents could get into trouble. The last thing I want is trouble for everyone else. I hate being a burden. I just wish I was 18 already. Then this wouldn't be a problem. I could stay where I wanted when I wanted.

Till later days

So lately I've been reading alot of articles and internet posts about Hurricane Katrina. It's amazing to me the ignorance that people openly display. Someone should tell them how stupid they sound.

There are people sitting on their roofs waiting to be rescued. Children dieing of starvation, bodies floating down the street, hundreds and hundreds of missing people, and somehow, people like Repent America, can run around preaching victory against homosexuality and abortion? Some liberal dumbass can run around saying the blue states should let the red one suffer?

A tragedy that should have pulled America together has only further divided us on basis of religion, race, sexual orentation and politics.

Everyones running around trying to find someone to blame, and nobody is worring about what really matters, being the people affected, the people who need help getting out of the water that's burning their skin, staying alive long enough to make sure their kids get rescued. The elderly people trapped in a nursing home becasue there wern't enough busses to transfer them.

IT WAS A FUCKING HURRICANE!!! Not god's approval for hate and segragation.

Now everyone wants to run around and play the race card. Lets turn our attention towards the "Two photo Controversey" shall we?

I can't believe this is even an issue. given the circumstances, even the fucking president would have been looting. Jesus himself would be in isle 3 handing out loaves of bread to people who needed it. Now comsidering that New Orleans is 67.3 percent black, who the hell would you expect to see in pictures looting? Eskimos?

As for the fact that the black man was looting, but the white couple "found" food, I can't say that it was meant in a racist way, and I can't say that wasn't, but even if it was, it was the views of ONE fucking man, not a reflection of the views of America, and if you think it was, your a dumbass.

But I guess if you can call this gods victory against homosexuality and abortion, the KKK can call this gods victory against black people.

I love how every single person has found away to manuipulate this tragedy into justification for their ignorance and hate. It's sad really.

Never in a million years, did I think I would be lying in bed with a half nake ex boyfriend, a half naked guy whom I have a crush on, and a half naked kid who had a crush on me.

So I was at Johns today and Justin came over, and that was only a bit awkward at first when John kept trying to kiss me and hold my hand and stuff. I just backed away and told him no.

Anywyas, I went to work, and then went back to Johns, and John and Justin were there, but so was brice! So we were all in Johns room partying, and I was lying on the bed, and brice layed down next to me and like, held my hand for a little bit. That was weird.

Then Justin was laying down on the other side of me, adn we were all sandwiched o this little bed, ad John was getting al withdrawn and such and anyways that got solved.

Oh man, tonight was a night.

I wonder if brice likes me. It would definaly seem so. He knows how much I like Justin, I keep telling him. I don't want to urt his feelings though.

I'm really not looking for an exclusive relationship right away. I'm looking for something I can build on. Like just starting with a few dates or something. In that case, is it ok to see more than one person, as long as I make it clear to each of them what my motive is?

Sorry about the bad typing, I'm uber tired tonight.

Untill later days

I've been thinkin.
Maybe I analyze things to much.
Maybe I try to manipulate every situation,
to control it so much,
That I forget to actually live.

Like this thing with John.
I think about it so much it drives me nuts.
For those of you who have been fallowing the story,
You know what I'm talking about.
So what would happen if I just let things be?

What do you think? Is that a good idea?
I mean, why can't I just let things be the way they are,
And see where end up.
Without sacraficing my moral values of course.
I'm not daying I'm going to sleep with the guy,
But I'm going to let it be what it is,
Instead of having this all or nothing attitude.

Tonight at his house, singing kareoke in his room,
Lying with him on his bed,
When he was just holding me, keeping me warm,
I realized that all I wanted was to be right there forever.
And weather its right or wrong,
weather or not, this is gonna end up in a heartache,
Is it so bad that at least for that moment,
I felt safe?

I havn't felt that safe since I was in the 3rd grade.
Before my moms husband came into the scene.
Tonight I felt like even that man could not hurt me.
I would give anything to have that feeling again,
Even if its not real.

SO

I realize almost every single one of my posts has to do at least in part with boys, or rather, a particular set of certain boys.
I guess thats just how you know I'm a teenager.

ONTO THE BOYS

So John left for ashland Sunday morning, he gets back tonight.
That means I can call him tonight before bed like I usually do, and we can talk.

Actually, I just remembered, his home phone is shut off for the time being, and all I can call him on is his moms cell. Who knows how long she will let him talk on that.

So I asked John if our relatinship meant anything to him at all, or if it was just physical for him. He told me he had absolutely no feelings for me, and that he wouldn't be upset if I got a boyfriend or something.

ouch.

Okay, so now I need a guys perspective on this ok?

Why does he get so jelouse when I flirt with other guys?
If it's just sex he wants, how come he stays around when he's not getting it from me? I'm not exactly the most skinny, pretty girl in the whole school, and he could basically get anyone of them that he wanted.
So maybe its the chase he likes, maybe the fact that i'm not giving it to him, makes it like a challenge. But like I said, those other girls can play "hard to get" too.

So a logical explanation for all of this would be that he's lieing. Maybe he really does have feelings for me right? but that can't be true either, becasue if he has feelings for me, then why doesn't he want to date me, why can't he make a commitment?

So I figure, I need a guys perspective on all this. If you got any answers to any of these questions, let me know.

Alright, untill later.

~ Josie ~

So yea, work really really really sucks. I wish I didn't have to go, but I need the money, being since my mother and everyone else refuses to buy me anything, including clothing. I realized this morning after throwing away yet another pair of old ripped up jeans that were no longer wearable, that I only have 2 pair of pants left.
I don't get paid untill the 18th because of a big mix up over my check and the amount of hours I worked, and so now I have 2 pair of pants for 2 weeks. One pair of which are apart of my work uniform.
Fuck.

Today my backpack and jacket was stolen. I left it in 5th period while I went and had a disscussion with the councelor, and when i came back to grab my stuff, it wasn't there.
Thats not even the bad part. I can get another backpack, I can buy an new cd player and burn the cds again, and I can even re-do the assignments that were in there, but today was the day I happend to bring my datebook to school.
Inside that datebook, was all my adresses and phone numbers, 2 ID cards, my driving permit, and even my social security card.
Someone litteraly just stole my whole life.
Fuck.

I still have the hugest crush on Justin brown.
today he walked by my 6th period class like 6 times waving to me.
*SIGH* He's soooooo cute.
When I get paid, I'm gonna ask him to dinner, or maybe a movie, or maybe both. Who knows.
Maybe I should just ask him for coffee.

It only feels a little weird because hes a sophmore and I'm a JR. Next year he'll be a JR. and I'll be a SR. and that doesn't seem so bad, but well, it still feels weird.

BOYS

Okay, so I really, really, really like Justin.
He's so so so cute!
He knows I like him, and this thing with John has ended, so we'll see where it goes from here won't we.
I wonder if he likes me too.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in third grade again.
I think I need to take a break from going over to Johns house for a while, because we all know what happens when I go over there.
I just don't want that kind of relationship with him anymore.

FAMILY

Heres a new subject we havn't discussed before.
Let me give you the basics:

I grew up getting the shit beat out of me by moms husband, whom I am still terrified of.In the beggining of freshamn year, CPS (Child Protective Services) Removed me from the home.
I moved in with my aunt cheri, and we had lots of problems.
She kicked me out the summer before sophmore year.

I moved in with my dad, a manager of a succesful buisness who had been out of prison for 3 years and was now suposedly clean from meth.
To make a looooong story short, he wasn't clean, he moved me to a small town in the middle of nowhere, went to portland for a day and never came back.

I ended back up with my mom, whos husband was in ohio, and she called him and told him to stay there, since the state says I can't live with him. He did. after being there for a while, shit got crazy, she kicked me out, reported me as a runaway, and after a few days at Johns house, I am living with my grandpa.

My grandpa and his house are owned by my aunt cheri, who still thinks im a total fuck up, but knows I have no where else to go, so she lets me live there.

The whole point of this story was to tell you this:

Yesterday I missed first period at school, (I was doing homework for another class) and my aunt found out about it. She told me if I missed one more class I would have to move back in with my mom.
Well living with my mom is not a healthy environment for me to be in so I would NOT move back in with her, even if I had to leave my grandpas.
Anyways, yesterday after school, she called me, and I was expecting another huge fight.... BUT....

She apologized.

That was the last thing I expected. She told me she was out of line, she was upset becasue some of her own issues and she was tired. She told me that she wanted to see me finish highschool, and she was just frustrated with my irresponsible mom.

(I do love my mom, but she is whore. She is what she is I guess.)

I never thought this women was capable of admitting she was wrong.
She still hates me though. I know because she tells people.
I was suprised to find that it had a heart.

Even if its a small one.

Later.

Wow, I am in a carzy mood today. I'm sure it has something to do with last night. Lets discuss:

Last night I went over to my ex's house, and as usual we hung out, and then did the whole kissing "and stuff" thing. Lately I've been feeling as if our relationship is nothing more than a physical relationship to him.

To me, I would still like it to be more, but lately I have been feeling like I am ready to move on. If there is no chance of there being an "us" again, then I'm waisting my time.

So I asked him, I said, "You know where I stand on our relationship, but I need to know where you are. what does this mean to you? Is this strictly a physical relationship for you?" he looked at me for a minute, clearly debating between telling me what I wanted to hear and the truth, and so I said "I want the truth, I'm not even going to be upset, I just need to know so I can figure some things out."

So he told me that for him, it was nothing more than a physical relationship. To be clear I asked "So you wouldn't be upset if I started dating someone else?" and he said no.

Now that I know where we are, I think I am finally ready to move on, and I can do so with a guilt free consience.

Don't get me wrong, I will always love him, hes like a best friend to me, and I too him, but now, I can let it go no strings attached. I've been trying to do that since august.

*kiss kiss*

-Josie-

P.S. - I'm looking for cool blogs to read.

I went shopping with my ex and his mom yesterday, and then we went back to his house. His room was a mess and he had just bought all these storage bins, so I helped him clean his room.

To make a long story short, we ended up on his newly made bed, listning to music, and he kissed me. I knew this was gonna happen, as you know if you read my first post, which was kind of long.

About 10:45 I went home, and called him. I have to work today and I had to be up early, so I got off the phone with him at about 1:00, and before he hung up he said "Hey... I love you."

*Sigh* Oh now what to do. If this is going to be a repeat of the last time, we'll kiss, hang out, roll around a little bit, and then move on. But last time, he never told me he loved me.

I dunno if I even want to date him at all, but I know I shouldn't be kissing him if I don't. Part of me does want to date him though. I feel like such a whore. ((Don't get me wrong, there was no, and will be no sex.)) but who makes out with their friends? because thats all he is right now, is a friend, who happens to be my ex.

Now I am not a prent, but I do have a question for those of you who are. I babysit for a little boy about two. Sometimes he likes to take rides in the car, but more often than not, he gets very cranky. Whne he gets cranky, he likes to call people stupid, tell them to shut up, and he also spits. Under normal circumstances, when he misbehaves, I can put him in his crib for a nap, or make him sit on the couch for a few minutes. This usually make the behavior stop. But what do you do when you are driving in the car? When we tell him he needs to stop, it makes him spit more, but if we ignore the behavior we are just allowing him to keep spitting and it is some time before he decised to stop, and not only is he spitting on the seats, he also spits on the other passengers of the car.

Does anyone have any advice?

This is the secret that I havn't told anyone. It might not seem all that significant to you, but it is to me. I'm not sure why I don't tell anyone, not even my best friend, although I'm sure she knows somehow. People just don't understand.

I think I might still have a crush on my ex, John. Well, sometimes I feel like I do, and sometimes I feel like I don't. Another problem I have, is that I might have a crush on one of his good friends Justin.

Well, if you are to understand whats going on now, you might as well know the history between me and John from my point of view. We met at the end of sophmore year, and started flirting alot. I met him through another friend of mine. We started to spend a lot of time together, and summer came. Around the end of June we started dating, and we spent litterally almost every day together. Around the beggining of august after just a month of dating, he broke up with me.

I was really sad, and a little pissed off, but I got over it and started spending time with other friends, and we didn't really talk, although I occasionally called him. School came and then it turned out I had a class with him, so after a few awkward days, we started talking more and all that jazz. Eventually we started hanging out and talking on the phone, and thats when our second thing started. I dunno, it was alot of flirting. Anyways, we ended up kissing, and all that stuff. It went on for like a week, and I finally told him to make a decision, I don't kiss, and hold hands and do what I was I doing, with just friends. He didn't know what he wanted, and I told him to make a decision soon. 3 days later, he told me that "We would never work." I could have asked him why, but I didn't. So then we stood there for a couple of seconds and then he walked away.

Since then we are still friends, we still talk on the phone, and we still hang out. It's just, sometimes when I see him, I miss what we had before. Other times, I'm happy that we have such a good friendship, and I want it to stay that way. But being so close to him as a friend is sometimes hard.

Also, sometimes he says things, that makes me thinks that maybe he misses what we had too. Like I didn't go to homecoming for lack of a date or friends to go with. John got really mad that I wasn't there. He said "I was looking for you, I really wanted to see you." This isn't the kind of thing john usually says, and it really confuses me. like he could be saying it because we are just friends, but in my head, somewhere I know thats not true, and when I tell myself that, I think, no, he DID mean it as a friends, its just wishful thinking that he meant it as more. I don't know what this boy wants, and I'm so tired of going in circles with him, that I almost don't want to ask.

And even if John did want to go back out with me, do I want to? I really do like the friendship that me and him have, and I don't want to loose it. But thats not the only reason giving me doubts. I mean, me and John tried it once. hell, we even tried it a second time. It didn't work then, what makes me think it will work the 3rd time? The thing is, I know what I want, but I don't know what he wants. Would it be because he wants to be with me, or because he wants to have a relationship?

Then we have the whole Justin thing. I like Justin because hes really nice and funny, not to mention, he's cute. But the problem is, he's one of John good friends. I wouldn't want to hurt John by going out with one of his good friends, but the only way that it would hurt him, is if he still had feelings for me right? And if he does still have feelings for me, even if I don't want to go back out with him, I still wouldn't want to hurt him by dating one of his good friends. But how do I know if it will hurt him or not, if hes not clear on his feelings. I could ask him if it would be ok for me to try things with Justin, and if he says he doesn't want me to, then I wouldn't. The thing is, to me, John has made it clear that he doesn't want to be with me right? So then if he doesn't want to be with me, but he does't want me to be with Justin, is that fair? should i listen to him, so that he is not mad at me, or go for it?

I don't know what John wants but I don't want to wait around forever trying to figure it out. I hope to always have a friendship with him, even when we are much older, and I do love him, and I always will, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. At this point it doesn't seem like its ever going anywhere other than where it is now. So what do I do?

• November 2005 [9]
• October 2005 [3]

• Boy Stuff [9] 
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• Katrina Katrina Katrina... you know.. the hurricane...
• Just more of the ususal.
• Hurrican Katrina is not a justification for hate.
• Who'da Thunk
• The feeling is fake, but the meaning is real.
• Can I get a guys perspective?
• DAMN! A HORRIBLY GOOD DAY!
• Boys and Family, oh joy.
• Awwww Shit! Its all over now!
• He kissed me and told me he loved me.