Oh Josie, You've Done it Again.

This is the secret that I havn't told anyone. It might not seem all that significant to you, but it is to me. I'm not sure why I don't tell anyone, not even my best friend, although I'm sure she knows somehow. People just don't understand.

I think I might still have a crush on my ex, John. Well, sometimes I feel like I do, and sometimes I feel like I don't. Another problem I have, is that I might have a crush on one of his good friends Justin.

Well, if you are to understand whats going on now, you might as well know the history between me and John from my point of view. We met at the end of sophmore year, and started flirting alot. I met him through another friend of mine. We started to spend a lot of time together, and summer came. Around the end of June we started dating, and we spent litterally almost every day together. Around the beggining of august after just a month of dating, he broke up with me.

I was really sad, and a little pissed off, but I got over it and started spending time with other friends, and we didn't really talk, although I occasionally called him. School came and then it turned out I had a class with him, so after a few awkward days, we started talking more and all that jazz. Eventually we started hanging out and talking on the phone, and thats when our second thing started. I dunno, it was alot of flirting. Anyways, we ended up kissing, and all that stuff. It went on for like a week, and I finally told him to make a decision, I don't kiss, and hold hands and do what I was I doing, with just friends. He didn't know what he wanted, and I told him to make a decision soon. 3 days later, he told me that "We would never work." I could have asked him why, but I didn't. So then we stood there for a couple of seconds and then he walked away.

Since then we are still friends, we still talk on the phone, and we still hang out. It's just, sometimes when I see him, I miss what we had before. Other times, I'm happy that we have such a good friendship, and I want it to stay that way. But being so close to him as a friend is sometimes hard.

Also, sometimes he says things, that makes me thinks that maybe he misses what we had too. Like I didn't go to homecoming for lack of a date or friends to go with. John got really mad that I wasn't there. He said "I was looking for you, I really wanted to see you." This isn't the kind of thing john usually says, and it really confuses me. like he could be saying it because we are just friends, but in my head, somewhere I know thats not true, and when I tell myself that, I think, no, he DID mean it as a friends, its just wishful thinking that he meant it as more. I don't know what this boy wants, and I'm so tired of going in circles with him, that I almost don't want to ask.

And even if John did want to go back out with me, do I want to? I really do like the friendship that me and him have, and I don't want to loose it. But thats not the only reason giving me doubts. I mean, me and John tried it once. hell, we even tried it a second time. It didn't work then, what makes me think it will work the 3rd time? The thing is, I know what I want, but I don't know what he wants. Would it be because he wants to be with me, or because he wants to have a relationship?

Then we have the whole Justin thing. I like Justin because hes really nice and funny, not to mention, he's cute. But the problem is, he's one of John good friends. I wouldn't want to hurt John by going out with one of his good friends, but the only way that it would hurt him, is if he still had feelings for me right? And if he does still have feelings for me, even if I don't want to go back out with him, I still wouldn't want to hurt him by dating one of his good friends. But how do I know if it will hurt him or not, if hes not clear on his feelings. I could ask him if it would be ok for me to try things with Justin, and if he says he doesn't want me to, then I wouldn't. The thing is, to me, John has made it clear that he doesn't want to be with me right? So then if he doesn't want to be with me, but he does't want me to be with Justin, is that fair? should i listen to him, so that he is not mad at me, or go for it?

I don't know what John wants but I don't want to wait around forever trying to figure it out. I hope to always have a friendship with him, even when we are much older, and I do love him, and I always will, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. At this point it doesn't seem like its ever going anywhere other than where it is now. So what do I do?

• November 2005 [9]
• October 2005 [3]

• Boy Stuff [9] 
• My insight [4] 
• Family [2] 
• Question: [2] 
• Today [2] 
• General [1] 

• Katrina Katrina Katrina... you know.. the hurricane...
• Just more of the ususal.
• Hurrican Katrina is not a justification for hate.
• Who'da Thunk
• The feeling is fake, but the meaning is real.
• Can I get a guys perspective?
• DAMN! A HORRIBLY GOOD DAY!
• Boys and Family, oh joy.
• Awwww Shit! Its all over now!
• He kissed me and told me he loved me.